Theiastuck - A Homestuck Fanadventure

Your name is DAVE STRIDER and holy shit why is it so hot in here.

Ahem.

As you were saying. Your name is DAVE STRIDER, and you are 15 years old. Two years ago… actually, you don’t recall anything special happening two years ago, unless you count developing disdain for your guardian’s BEST PUPPET PAL. You got over it with time, though.

As expected of a 15-year-old boy on his summer vacation, you have spent your day doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. If you could take a college course on doing nothing you would PASS WITH FLYING COLORS. You would get a DOCTORATE on doing nothing. You’re just the best there is at it.

Oh. Seems like the DOORBELL has other plans for you that involve doing SOMETHING. Like checking who’s ringing said doorbell like their life depended on it. It can’t possibly be your BRO. He won’t be home for a few more hours, and he definitely wouldn’t ring the doorbell like A COMPLETE TOOL.

Wow they’re still ringing. Pretty desperate over there. Might as well humor them.

Better look through the PEEPHOLE first. Last time you opened the door without checking, you were subject to the SUPER SOAKER ASSAULT of the bratty half-pint whose family recently moved to the apartment next door. It would have been UTTERLY HUMILIATING, had you not trained under your Bro’s wing since you were small. But you ARE a trained fighting machine, and the brat was quickly apprehended and brought to his parents for GREAT JUSTICE— I mean, a harsh scolding. After you DANGLED HIM OVER THE EDGE OF THE ROOF. He won’t be bothering you for as long as he lives.

Still. Peephole. Good idea. Let’s just take a quick peek-

Who the HELL is this douchebag?

>Have weird half-flashback memory triggered by this person’s face.

Dude, why the fuck would you? You have never seen this weird-ass person in your life. You would definitely remember some idiot who dresses in full winter gear in JULY. I mean, who does that? Crazy people, most definitely. Maybe hobos. And crazy hobos. This girl is definitely crazy, what the hell is up with that hat. And she seems to have some bizarro world skin disease. LITERALLY Bizarro World. Really, the only thing about her that looks remotely normal is the red sunglasses. Those are kind of neat.

You DO think that pout doesn’t suit her, though. Maybe a wide shark-toothed grin would be more like it. You have no idea why you thought that just now.

>Open door.

Might as well, if only to shoo the crazy hobo girl away. Doesn’t seem like she’s going away on her own.

>Terezi: Shout something about “JUST1C3” and hit dave with your cane.

To be honest, this is what you planned to do when you finally met Dave. You really did mean to show him your drubbings for being so hard to find! You even thought it was a shame you will not be able to do so with your trusty DRAGON CANE, tragically lost a whole sweep ago. You had it replaced, of course, as no person in their right mind would go without a STRIFE SPECIBUS equipped, but your new cane just isn’t the same. Ah well. Any sturdy cane is a good one.

But as it turns out, after a whole sweep of searching, you just can’t be bothered with the drubbings.

D4V3!!!

>Barge in.

Oh no, seems like a WILD COOLKID is in the way! Nevermind, you were going to hug the snot out of him anyway.

>Bro: Realize you forgot your purse.

You are BRO STRIDER and it seems you have forgotten your IRONIC COIN PURSE at home. Now where will you put your change?

>Go home early.

Mmm. Nah. It’s nearly the end of your lunch break, and you wouldn’t ditch work early to pick up a coin purse even for the sake of irony. You kind of need this job to feed the little dude back home. And get him to college. He’s going to thank you for that ironic college fund later.

>Dave: Come very close to flipping the fuck out.

Welp, that seems like a good idea. Here you are, being hugged by a crazy hobo girl with a skin disease and sharp shark-like teeth—oh god, you can’t believe you were right about that part. Her body heat and the warmth generated by her winter gear is suffocating you, making the heat and humidity so much worse. At least she doesn’t smell fishy like you feared. Chalk and candy isn’t a bad combo.

>Contemplate dangling bizzaro girl off the roof.

Oh hell no. Look at those chompers, she’s the kind who’d fight back and dangle YOU off the roof. Besides, she’s not that much smaller than you and you don’t trust yourself to keep your hold on her for long. You want her to get off your back, not DIE.

>Shove the weird hobo girl off of you.

Good enough.

DAVE: not cool dude

TEREZI: H3H3H3, SORRY

TEREZI: GU3SS 1 GOT C4RR13D 4W4Y

DAVE: no fucking kidding

DAVE: who the hell are you anyway and why do you know my name

TEREZI: YOU DONT R3COGN1Z3 M3? >:/

TEREZI: W3LL 1 SUPPOS3 W3 N3V3R M3T 1N P3RSON 4ND M4YB3 YOU W3R3 3XP3CT1NG TO S33 MY HORNS

TEREZI: 1M T3R3Z1! >:]

DAVE: dude is that some foreign name

TEREZI: OF COURSE 1T 1S, 1TS 4LT3RN14N!

TEREZI: COM3 ON COOLK1D STOP JOK1NG 4ROUND YOU KNOW 1M 4 TROLL

DAVE: yeah youre definitely some real life troll fucking with my head here

TEREZI: D4V3 R3M3MB3R WH4T H4PP3N3D 4 SW33P 4GO

TEREZI: OR 4BOUT TWO HUM4N Y34RS 4GO 1 GU3SS

TEREZI: R3M3MB3R LOH4C 4ND D3RS3 4ND J4CK NO1R 4ND TH3 GR33N SUN 4ND 4LL TH3 T1M3 TR4V3L1NG YOU D1D

DAVE: dude the fuck are you talking about

TEREZI: D4V3!!!

TEREZI: DONT YOU R3M3MB3R PL4Y1NG SBURB 4T 4LL?!

DAVE: the fuck is sburb

DAVE: never heard of it

>Terezi: Maybe this is a different guy who just happens to be named Dave?

No way, that is DEFINITELY the Dave Strider you were looking for. You’ve watched his entire life through Trollian and you spent so much time directing him through the game, he talks and speaks like Dave and lives in a hive like Dave’s and everything! As far as you can tell, the only change is that he’s gotten taller. And doesn’t remember you. This is mildly discouraging.

>1NV3ST1G4T1ON!!! Take your trusted forensic team out of your sylladex.

Oh. You wish you could do that. But you chucked them all off the roof of the lab in the Veil a sweep ago and never got the chance to retrieve them before shit hit the whirling device. You lost all your scalemates, actually. Including your beloved Pyralspite.

Well. Now you’re sad. LET’S MOVE ON SHALL WE.

>Forcibly remove his sunglasses to make sure his eyes are still delicious.

You’re treading thin ice here. If Dave remembered you, he would’ve accepted his fate, but he doesn’t and is already very suspicious about you. Messing with his coolkid shades is probably going to get you a sword in the gut. Or not, humans are really iffy about this whole killing thing. You learned that the hard way. Still, can’t be too careful.

>Exposit on who you are and how you got here in hopes that it’ll jog his memory.

TEREZI: OK4Y, 1 GU3SS TH1S 1S SORT OF 4 LONGSHOT S1NC3 YOU PROM1S3D YOURS3LF TO FORG3T TH4T CONV3RS4T1ON

TEREZI: BUT DO YOU R3M3MB3R 4NYON3 TROLL1NG YOU ON YOUR S1XTH WR1GGL1NG D4Y

TEREZI: 1 M34N, YOUR TH1RT33NTH B1RTHD4Y

TEREZI: GOD 1LL N3V3R G3T US3D TO HUM4N T1M3 UN1TS

DAVE: dude even if i didnt swear to forget about some weirdass convo i had with an internet troll

DAVE: why would i remember it after two years

DAVE: anyway i think i get your deal

TEREZI: YOU DO?! >:O

DAVE: yeah youre one of those crazy ass japanophiles that dress up like sailors in tiny skirts and eat stale breadsticks

TEREZI: WH4T? NO!

DAVE: k so youre a larper or something

DAVE: that was my second guess

TEREZI: WH4T 4R3 YOU 3V3N T4LK1NG 4BOUT!!!

TEREZI: 1 H4V3NT FL4RP3D 1N SW33PS

DAVE: so you admit it

TEREZI: 1 D1DNT 4DM1T TO 4NYTH1NG >:/

TEREZI: COM3 ON D4V3 YOU GOTT4 R3M3MB3R

TEREZI: YOU SHOW3D M3 YOUR COM1C!

DAVE: fuck now i get it

DAVE: youre a crazy fan

DAVE: shit i have a stalker egbert will never let me live this down

TEREZI: C4LM DOWN 1M NOT 4 CR4ZY F4N

TEREZI: THOUGH 1 DO TH1NK YOUR CURR3NT WORK 1S 4N 1RON1C M4ST3RP13C3

TEREZI: BUT 1M NOT T4LK1NG 4BOUT SW33T BRO 4ND H3LL4 J3FF!

TEREZI: YOU SHOW3D M3 YOUR OLD COM1C

TEREZI: TH3 ON3 YOU S41D W4S TOO MUCH L1K3 YOUR HUM4N CUSTOD14NS STUFF

DAVE: fuck

DAVE: i remember

DAVE: youre kidding me

DAVE: the kid who influenced the sbahj style was you

DAVE: this is so fucking surreal

TEREZI: SUCC3SS! >:]

TEREZI: NOW DO YOU R3M3MB3R OUR SBURB SH3N4N1G4NS?

DAVE: ………

DAVE: you know now i have this nagging feeling that i should

DAVE: but i really cant

DAVE: sorry

TEREZI: >:C

TEREZI: M4YB3 YOU COULD 4SK TH3 OTH3RS 1F TH3Y R3M3MB3R!

TEREZI: M4YB3 JOHN DO3S OR L4LOND3 OR M4YB3 3V3N TH3 H4RL3Y G1RL

DAVE: jesus you really are a stalker how do you even know about them

TEREZI: 1 T4LK3D TO TH3M TOO OF COURS3!

TEREZI: NOT 4S MUCH 4S 1 T4LK3D TO YOU BUT

TEREZI: 1F YOU R3M3MB3R M3 T4LK1NG TO YOU 4BOUT YOUR COM1C TH3N JOHN MUST R3M3MB3R M3 TOO

TEREZI: 1 K1ND OF THR34T3N3D TO CUT H1S THROAT THOUGH SO M4YB3 1 DONT W4NT H1M TO R3M3MB3R 4LL TH4T MUCH >:/

DAVE: wait what

TEREZI: UGH C4LM DOWN 1 D1DNT M34N 1T

TEREZI: 31TH3R W4Y 1 KNOW H3 1S 4 V3RY FORG1V1NG SORT SO M4YB3 H3 WONT HOLD 1T 4G41NST M3

TEREZI: THE 4LT3RN4T3 T1M3L1N3 V3RS1ON OF H1M 1 GOT K1LL3D D1DNT HOLD TH4T 4G41NST M3 3V3N THOUGH H3 H4D 3V3RY R34SON TO >:[

DAVE: dude

TEREZI: LOOK TH3 PO1NT 1S M4YB3 ON3 OF YOUR OTH3R ONL1N3 FR13NDS R3M3MB3RS WHO 1 4M!

TEREZI: FOR SOM3 R34SON 1 C4NT SURP4SS TH3 BLOCK YOU GUYS PUT ON MY 4CCOUNT 4NYMOR3 SO YOU GOTT4 H3LP M3 CONT4CT TH3M

DAVE: jesus

DAVE: why do i have a feeling ill regret this

DAVE: fine i dunno why im doing this but you can come in

DAVE: if you pull anything weird im throwing you out the window

>While you’re at it, what happened to the other trolls?

Ah, but to know that, you’d have to BE one of the other trolls, wouldn’t you?

>Be Kanaya

You are now KANAYA MARYAM, and it seems that you have finally found her.

You have been on the road in search of ROSE LALONDE for quite a while, accompanied by three of your friends (though you have developed great distaste for one of them, to the point of threatening to auspistice between his torso and his legs quite often). Her whereabouts have been exceedingly hard to find, and even when you pinpointed her approximate location through school records, figuring out where her dwelling is was harder than it should have been.

But she was here last night, with her impressive female human guardian. The tracking device your hacker friend gave you before you set out on your journey was promptly attached to their vehicle, and you now have the exact location of the Lalonde residence. You will forever thank her momentary craving for greasy meat patties and oversalted fried starchy tubers.

Speaking of which, there’s your lunch.

>Be Gamzee

You are now GAMZEE MAKARA, and you are riding on the back of a whale en route way to a SMALL PACIFIC ISLAND.

Yeah. You suppose it’s pretty legit. Having a MOIRAIL that can COMMUNE WITH WILDLIFE is kind of neat. But you’ve known each other for so long it doesn’t really thrill you anymore. Back when you were still high on sopor slime, you probably would’ve thought of it as a MoThErFuCkInG mIrAcLe. But that shit was poison to your mind. You learned that the hard way and you’re still dealing with the consequences, and the immense guilt that comes with them.

Seems like your moirail and the SEA-DWELLING DUDETTE are excited about something. They’re excited a lot. Dying only seems to have made them stronger and more optimistic. It’s a good thing they’re the ones who are helping you out right now.

Maybe one day, with their help, the world will be a miracle again.

>Be Vriska

You are now VRISKA SERKET, and the moment has arrived.

You have been on the lookout hidden in this lawnring for hours, but finally, the hatted man has left his hive. The boy entrusted to him by a crashing meteor is all alone.

JOHN EGBERT is yours for the taking.

>Be Karkat

You are now KARKAT VANTAS and you swear to all that is holy, you are going to KILL Vriska when you finally get to Egbert’s place.

AG: Hope you’re not too upset I got here fiiiiiiiirst, Fearless Leader! :::;)

Really, Serket? Really? What are you, 3? You have tolerated her musclebeastshit for far too long. If your traveling companions won’t hold you back, you are going to run the rest of the way there and GUT HER. Too bad it didn’t last long when Terezi did it.

>Be Dave. Wonder just why you’re letting a creepy stalker girl into your apartment. Even if she did influence the SBAHJ.

You honestly wish you could understand it, yourself. Letting a creepy stalker into your house is not ironic and not cool in any way, and it’s one of the most important things Bro taught you when you were small. So why are you doing it anyway? This is BEYOND stupid.

But creeper girl’s influence on SBAHJ aside, something about all this junk she’s talking about resonates with something deep inside you. You don’t remember playing any oddly-named game or time traveling or talking to this girl beyond that one time on your thirteenth birthday, but… It’s all so familiar, somehow. If nothing else, you gotta give her a chance to prove herself. Maybe one of your other friends WILL shed some light on the situation. You have a hunch. This girl is giving you a lot of hunches. Damn it.

TEREZI: SO TH4TS YOUR R3SP—1 M34N ROOM?

DAVE: yeah thats my crib

DAVE: dont jizz in your pants over it

TEREZI: D4V3 1 4SSUR3 YOU TH4T 1 DONT 1NT3ND TO

TEREZI: 4T TH1S PO1NT NOTH1NG 4BOUT YOUR ROOM 1S GO1NG TO SURPR1S3 M3

DAVE: this point of what

TEREZI: S1GH… N3V3RM1ND

DAVE: so hey whats your face trapezi

TEREZI: T3R3Z1!!! YOU M4D3 TH3 S4M3 GOOFY PUN L4ST T1M3!

DAVE: you gotta admit youre kind of asking for it with a name like that

DAVE: anyway if youre already here

DAVE: might as well take the winter duds off

DAVE: can’t have you die of heat stroke in my place

DAVE: not cool

DAVE: unless youre not wearing anything under that jacket then you can keep that garish shit on

>Terezi: Remove your hat

Gladly! You really can’t stand this heat. You only wear your winter gear in this weather to hide the fact that you’re a troll. Humans generally aren’t very accepting of aliens with grey skin and horns. You’re going to take your chances with Dave, though.

>Dave: Be mildly surprised by horns. But not too much. Coolkids don’t get shocked.

Sorry, what? You were too busy FLIPPING THE FUCK OUT.

DAVE: dude

DAVE: what the fuck are you

TEREZI: 1 TOLD YOU 4LR34DY

TEREZI: 1M 4 TROLL!

DAVE: no seriously did i just turn my room into area 51 the houston branch

TEREZI: HUH? >:?

DAVE: k fine ill ease up on the human references

DAVE: are you an alien

TEREZI: H3H W3LL 1 GU3SS 1M 4S MUCH 4S 4N 4L13N TO YOU 4S YOU 4R3 TO US

TEREZI: SO YUP 1M 4N 4L13N

TEREZI: BUT 4S YOUR S1LLY 34RTH MOV13S S4Y 1 COM3 1N P34C3 >:]

DAVE: fuck

DAVE: dont move ok i gotta get john on this

>Dave: Pester John.

— turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 13:04 —

TG: john youd better be there

TG: shit has hit the fan

TG: we got an emergency

TG: im talking code fucking red

TG: seriously egbert if youre having one of your retarded movie marathons right now i swear to god

EB: oh hi dave!

EB: sorry i didn’t answer before! i was kind of busy, but not with a movie marathon!

TG: look i dont care if you were watching movies or practicing how to be a derp or tending to your sea monkey farm

TG: this is serious ok

TG: i got a fucking alien in my room

EB: really???

TG: i wish i was kidding

TG: hold on ill set up the webcam

EB: oh there’s no need for that dave!

EB: i totally believe you.

TG: really

EB: yeah! because, you see…

EB: i just met an alien too!

TG: not funny egbert

TG: im being so fucking serious here you dont even know

EB: but i am too!

EB: she rang the doorbell like ten minutes ago and we’ve been talking, she seems pretty cool!

EB: she has grey skin and horns that are colored a bit like candy corn! is yours the same?

TG: ………

EB: hahaha, guess the answer is yes!

EB: my alien… oh, i guess i shouldn’t call her that, i don’t own her or anything! that would be an awful thing to imply.

EB: either way, she just asked if the alien in your room is called terezi?

TG: what

TG: how did

EB: oh, she is?! hehehe, how cool is that! then tell her vriska says hi.

>Dave: Flip out even harder. The handle better have some life insurance because you won’t stop doing pirouettes off of it.

Fuck that, you’ve got a reputation to keep. If John is going to be all chill about those horned alien chicks, then so are you.

>Conversation: Continue.

TG: k i just told terezi

TG: she was all tell vriska to fuck off

EB: wow, that’s rude.

EB: oh jeez vriska just said something even worse!

EB: like hell i’m typing that! i’m not getting myself into a war between opposing alien factions. i’ve seen so many movies like that, it never ends well.

TG: W3 4R3 NOT FROM OPPOS1NG F4CT1ONS JOHN!

TG: 4S 4 M4TT3R OF F4CT, W3 FOLLOW TH3 ORD3RS OF TH3 S4M3 L34D3R!

TG: OR 4T L34ST W3 D1D B3FOR3 VR1SK4 D3C1D3D TO LOC4T3 YOU ON H3R OWN B3C4US3 SH3 C4NT SH4R3 >:/

EB: Reeeeeeeeaaaaaaaally, Terezi? Because I heard you left to look for Strider on your own just two days after I did! How’s that for not following orders????????

TG: TH4TS NOT TH3 S4M3 4T 4LL!

TG: 1 W4S GO1NG TO GO W1TH K4RK4TS PL4N UNT1L H3 ST4RT3D 4CT1NG L1K3 4 STUP1D W1GGL3R 4ND D3C1D3D 1 C4NT L34D TH3 S34RCH T34M FOR D4V3 OUT OF J34LOUSY!

TG: 4ND 4NYW4Y H3 4POLOG1Z3D 4ND L3T M3 C4RRY ON 4ND 1 ST1LL R3PORT TO H1M

EB: Did you report to him that you found Strider yet?

TG: NON3 OF YOUR BUS1N3SS, S3RK3T

EB: Ha! Thought so.

EB: bluh, that’s enough, you two!

EB: man, when i woke up this morning i didn’t think i’d have to wrestle my phone out of the hands of a mostly-friendly alien!

TG: yeah jesus dick what the fuck is wrong with you

TG: if youre gonna have a virtual mud wrestling match and sling shit at each other like horned monkeys do it on your own accounts

TG: anyway we still got a lot of shit on the grill here so lets get to it before it burns to crisp

TG: like who the fuck are you two

TG: what the fuck are you doing here

TG: and how the fuck do you know our names

EB: wait, dave! i think we should open a memo. that way they can explain everything without taking over our accounts!

TG: yeah im down with that

TG: terezis all for it too

EB: awesome!

EB: hold on, i’ll take vriska upstairs so i can use my pc.

>Karkat: Pester Vriska and yell at her for as long as you can before she gets sick of you and turns whatever device she is using off.

Too late. Bitch blocked you after sending that taunting message and by the time Sollux undid the block, she was already offline.

>Storm into John’s house, screaming about how much you hate everything.

That is the first thing on your agenda the moment you get to John’s place. However, you are currently in a city ten miles west of Maple Valley, and you haven’t owned a vehicle ever since your two-wheeled devices got stolen a few towns back (stealing so sneakily is such a lowlife thing to do, a respectable person would’ve fought for the right to steal those bikes!). Even if you leave immediately, it’ll be a few hours before you get there.

Oh, Vriska unblocked you to send you another message. God, you almost don’t want to read it. Of course you will, though. Obviously you aren’t miserable enough as is.

— arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 11:15 —

AG: Oh, I’m soooooooo sorry, Karkat! I forgot to tell you the most important thing.

AG: John and I are speaking with Strider! And it seems like he has company.

AG: I think we 8oth know who I’m talking a8out. :::;)

AG: I’d loooooooove to chat a8out it, 8ut I’m pretty 8usy. Just thought you’d like to know!

— arachnidsGrip [AG] blocked carcinoGeneticist [CG] —

You hate everything.

>Karkat: Wonder why you didn’t seek Jade. At least then you and Terezi could have resumed your jealousy-off.

There never WAS a jealousy-off. Terezi never thought there was anything between you and Jade, and despite what your idiotic past self thought, all you and Jade had was an odd friendship (and maybe a short-lived timey-whimey auspistice). On the other hand, Strider WAS flirting shamelessly with Terezi, and you WERE incredibly jealous. And now that your matespritship is a lot more solid, you’re actually even MORE jealous.

God, you fucked up so much. You haven’t even had the courage to message Terezi since the awful fight you had before she left. You relay all your messages to her through Sollux and Aradia. You really talked straight out of your bone bulge that night and said very harsh things you really regret. And frankly, if you were Terezi, you’d never forgive you.

>Karkat: Go to John. Walk, fly, get new two-wheeled devices, steal a scuttlebuggy, ANYTHING.

Okay okay, just… can everyone fuck off for a bit? You need a minute alone.

>Memo: Open.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CURRENT ectoBiologist (CEB) RIGHT NOW opened memo on board bunny in a box.

CEB: there we go! i’m at my computer and vriska is setting up this adorable little blue laptop…

CEB: so let the memo begin! :D

CURRENT turntechGodhead (CTG) RIGHT NOW responded to memo.

CTG: this is why we shouldnt have let you pick the name egbert

CTG: seriously what the fuck

CEB: oh, come on, dave, it’s a perfectly good name!

CEB: i mean, it’s based on one of the best movies of all time!

CTG: man you dont want me to answer to that

CURRENT arachnidsGrip (CAG) RIGHT NOW responded to memo.

CAG: Don’t you d8re 8admouth Con Air, Strider!!!!!!!!

CAG: You wouldn’t know a good movie if it punched you right in the middle of your smug f8ce!

CEB: don’t let him get to you, vriska! he’s mostly joking.

CEB: between you and me, i think he kind of likes con air!

CTG: false accusations will get you nowhere

CURRENT gallowsCalibrator (CGC) RIGHT NOW responded to memo.

CGC: 1 DONT M1ND TH3 N4M3 OF TH3 BO4RD

CGC: BUT DONT G3T M3 ST4RT3D ON TH4T 4WFUL MOV13

CGC: 1 WOULD T4K3 K4RK4TS CH33SY ROMCOMS OV3R 1T 4NY D4Y >:/

CEB: hahah, who’s karkat? that’s such a silly name. it’s like…

CAG: Like a car and a cat, right John?

CEB: uh, yeah, that’s what i had in mind… bluh, you stole my silly pun mojo!

CAG: You told me that goofy pun two years ago!

CEB: but i don’t remember ever saying that. i remember you “threatening” me on pesterchum two years ago, but that’s only because you reminded me. :P

CTG: dude lets just start from the beginning okay

CTG: so your names are terezi and vriska and youre aliens or trolls or whatever

CGC: W3 4R3 BOTH 4L13NS 4ND TROLLS FROM YOUR P3RSP3CT1V3

CGC: OUR SP3C13S 1S TH3 TROLL SP3C13S L1K3 YOURS 1S TH3 HUM4N SP3C13S

CGC: 4ND WH1L3 YOUR3 FROM PL4N3T 34RTH, W3 COM3 FROM 4 PL4N3T C4LL3D 4LT3RN14

CGC: WH1CH S4DLY DO3SNT 3XIST 4NYMOR3 >:[

CEB: oh no! i’m so sorry to hear that… :(

CTG: wait so youre like interspace refugees or some shit

CGC: PR3TTY MUCH

CEB: that’s awful…

CEB: but you two aren’t the only ones left, right? you said something about a leader…

CAG: That would be Karkat. ::::P

CGC: PLUS N1N3 OTH3RS

CGC: W3 4R3 TW3LV3 1N 4LL

CTG: so where are the other trolls

CAG: Well, we split into teams to search for you.

CAG: I’m not sure of the team set up, though.

CGC: B3C4US3 YOU R4N OFF ON YOUR OWN 4ND D1DNT BOTH3R 4SK1NG 4BOUT TH3 OTH3R T34MS >:P

CAG: C8n it, Pyrope.

CGC: TH3R3S 4 THR33 P3RSON T34M ON TH3 WAY TO JOHN 4ND TWO MOR3 T34MS LOOKING FOR ROS3 4ND J4D3

CGC: 4LL OF T34M STR1D3R 1S H3R3 THOUGH >:]

CTG: only one alien troll for me

CTG: im offended terezi

CGC: SORRY D4V3

CGC: 1 W4NT3D 4R4D14 TO COM3 4T L34ST BUT K4RK4T W4S 4 TOT4L DOUCH3B4G 4BOUT 1T SO 1 H4D TO M4K3 1T ON MY OWN

CEB: but wait, i don’t get it at all! why did you look for me and dave, and rose and jade too? why us?

CTG: its about this sburb thing right

CAG: So you remem8er????????

CTG: fuck no

CTG: terezi said something about it earlier and i happen to have a memory span of more than three seconds

CEB: what’s sburb?

CGC: 1TS 4 G4M3 TH4T D3STROYS TH3 PL4Y3RS WORLD TO CR34T3 4 N3W ON3

CEB: what!!!

CTG: dude are you shitting us

CGC: 1M S3R1OUS!

CGC: US TW3LV3 TROLLS PL4Y3D OUR V3RS1ON OF TH3 G4M3 TOG3TH3R 4ND TH4TS WH4T D3STROY3D OUR HOM3 PL4N3T

CGC: 4ND TH3N YOU PL4Y3D 1T 4ND D3STROY3D YOURS

CGC: BUT 1 GU3SS TH3 SCR4TCH R3V3RS3D TH4T

CTG: this shit cannot be real

CEB: but we never played any game like that! i would’ve remembered earth being destroyed!

CAG: It’s the Scratch’s fault.

CAG: It resets the game and puts the players in a more favora8le position to win it, at the cost of their memories of the previous session.

CGC: W3 R34LLY HOP3D TH3 F4CT W3 R3M3MB3R WOULD H3LP YOU R3M3MB3R SOM3TH1NG

CGC: BUT 1T DO3SNT S33M TO B3 WORK1NG V3RY W3LL

CEB: okay, assuming this is something that happened even though i don’t remember it… how come you do?

CAG: Maybe it’s because we’re not exactly part of your universe… Even though we DID cre8 it.

CGC: 4ND TH3 F4CT W3 W3R3 4LL D34D B3FOR3 JOHN 4CT1V4T3D TH3 SCR4TCH COULD B3 4 CONTR1BUT1NG F4CTOR >:/

>So hey how about we see how Jade’s doing?

>Jade: Defend your home and property! Rifles at the ready! Bec at the ready!

Who’s Bec?

Regardless, you are now JADE HARLEY and your trusty HUNTING RIFLE is at the ready. Your GRANDFATHER would give you hell if you were ever to leave home without it. The FLINTLOCK PISTOL ACCIDENT you had when you were five and left you with a telling scar didn’t change his mind about that.

But is this the right time to use it? It’s not like you’re being approached by a pirate ship or anything like that! The intruders to the quietness of your small pacific island are riding a WHALE, for crying out loud. And they seem to have horns? Okay, this is stupid. You know full well how humans look like, mostly thanks to your frequent visits to the hospital following the flintlock accident, and there’s no subspecies of human with horns!!!

Now you’re just REALLY CONFUSED.

Regardless, they do seem friendly. They seem rather EXCITED to see you, actually! Waving and shouting and— you’re pretty sure they’re smiling, they’re still rather far away and even with your glasses, trying to see things from a distance is kind of a pain. You figure you couldn’t ask them to come any closer, though. You wouldn’t want to beach that whale!

>You go hug that whale. You go hug that whale this instant.

Okay. You admit it. You want to hug the whale. How many times in your life is a whale going to come over to your island?! You hope the friendly-looking possibly-horned people the whale is carrying will approve. In any case, you have to greet them!

>Go greet those weird grey horned people.

>Jade: Hug that whale like a boss.

Wait, you’re going to ask for permission from the grey horned people first! Wow, those are really good costumes. They must be performers or something! What they’re doing all the way out here is quite a mystery, though.

JADE: um, hi! you’re probably going to think this is a really weird question, but…

JADE: can i hug your whale?

FEFERI: T)(at IS kind of a weird question, but I R-E-ELLY like t)(is idea! He deserves a big )(ug for all his hard work.

TAVROS: oUR WHALE FRIEND WOULD APPRECIATE IT, i THINK,

TAVROS: hE REALLY DESERVES, a LOT OF HUGS, fOR TAKING US ALL THE WAY HERE FROM cALIFORNIA, wITHOUT COMPLAINING EVEN ONCE,

JADE: all the way from california? wow!!! 8O

JADE: that’s one hardworking whale! was he really okay with it?!

TAVROS: tHAT’S, WHAT HE SAYS, hE REALLY DIDN’T MIND,

TAVROS: hE IS REALLY, a VERY NICE WHALE,

JADE: you can talk to whales?!?! that’s so cool!!! :D

TAVROS: oH, wOW, uHHH, tHANK YOU,

>Jade: Now you can hug that whale.

Well, you can’t really wrap your arms around a whale… This will do nicely, though!

>Feferi: ALSO hug that whale like a boss.

Sliding down to do that as we sp—OH MY COD.

FEFERI: OH NO! W)(at )(appened to your face?!

JADE: wh-what…?

FEFERI: Jade, where did you get t)(at awful scar? You didn’t )(ave it before! It looks so painful! 38(

>Tavros: Get off of that whale!

TAVROS: oH, oH NO, iS THIS,

TAVROS: iS THIS BECAUSE OF, tHE FLINTLOCK GUN,

TAVROS: bECAUSE bEC WASN’T THERE ANYMORE, tO DIVERT THE BULLET,

TAVROS: i GUESS, mAYBE IT’S PARTIALLY A GOOD THING, bECAUSE THEN i DIDN’T KILL YOUR HUMAN ADULT LUSUS, bECAUSE OF MY IGNORANCE,

TAVROS: bUT, yOU WERE HURT INSTEAD, aND THAT’S REALLY AWFUL,

TAVROS: i’M SO SORRY, jADE, iT’S ALL MY FAULT, }:(

GAMZEE: *bloop*

Just what the hell is going on here.

>Tavros: Suddenly remember that Equius refused to waterproof your legs.

Well, he DID say it was pointless, since you weren’t sure whether you’d survive for long on The Veil… and true enough, you only had your new legs less than four hours before breaking them. And several other limbs. You were dead long before you hit the ground, though, so at least you didn’t feel all that.

You’re thinking about this right because you feel really lucky you don’t have them anymore! Just a healthy pair of legs, made of flesh and muscle and all that nice natural stuff. You really appreciated Equius’ gesture, but you’d take your original healthy non-rust-able  legs over any other kind any day.

>Jade: Be SO confused.

You really, really are!!! Those are NOT costumes, if they were wearing grey makeup it would all wash off by now! And are those gills on the one that you’re pretty sure is a girl? And how do they know your name? Why are they talking about you not having your scar before? You’ve had it since you were five! Why does the bullhorned boy think it’s his fault? What’s a lusus? Who’s Bec? What the hell is going on?!

JADE: What the hell is going on?!

>Gamzee: Calmly explain everything.

GAMZEE: It’s the scratch, man.

GAMZEE: causing everyone to forget all the bad shit that happened.

GAMZEE: Every motherfucking one except us, i guess.

GAMZEE: and then there’s the bit with the green motherfucking sun. all up and exploded.

GAMZEE: No green sun, no superdog. that’s how it motherfucking goes.

JADE: uh, i think you’re trying to explain everything, but you’re not really making any sense…

GAMZEE: oh. sorry, chica. :o(

GAMZEE: Guess i had to start from the fuckin beginning. it’s kind of a long motherfucking story.

JADE: i think i’ll understand everything better if i had the full picture, so please tell me the whole story!!!

TAVROS: dO YOU THINK, wE COULD CONTINUE THIS EXPLANATION ON LAND, tHOUGH,

FEFERI: Yea)(… Gamzee still isn’t a very good swimmer, so it’ll be )(ard to keep )(im up and floating, even if we all work toget)(er.

JADE: oh… sure, i guess!

>Be Kanaya. Find Rose and engage in witty passive-aggressive conversation loaded with succulent sarcasm.

Can this wait a bit? You and the others haven’t finished your lunch yet, and the journey to her house will take at least an hour and a half on your two-wheeled devices. Maybe in two hours?

>Be Kanaya two hours later.

Perfect timing. Looks like Team Rose finally arrived at the Lalonde residence.

Now to figure out how to introduce yourselves properly to avoid unwanted reactions. In the two hours that passed, you got the full report on Dave’s mild freakout from Terezi. If even a Strider loses his cool at the realization that he just met a real alien who claims to have spoken to him at length, then how would Rose fare?

>Kanaya: Hold up a boombox and play “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel.

You are quite tempted by that idea. In the sweep you have spent on Earth, you watched many Earth movies, thanks to your moirail enforcing a weekly “Movie Night” to bring the twelve of you closer together. One of the movies you watched, where the male protagonist stands under his former matesprit’s hive window and holds up a music-playing device playing the song they had bonded over, was quite cheesy, but left a lasting impression on you. And not only because it had given you an appreciation of the works of the human musician Peter Gabriel. You found the gesture to be awfully romantic, and if you could get Rose’s attention with it…

>Reconsider.

No, wait, this is ridiculous. Rose would never be moved by such a gesture. It is far more befitting of John Egbert’s tastes, and you wouldn’t be surprised if this is how Vriska got his attention.

Why did you even consider it in the first place? Good god.

>Team Rose: Debate.

KANAYA: So How Do You Suggest We Approach This

ERIDAN: wwe just ring the damn doorbell obvviously

EQUIUS: D —> Wouldn’t be she a tad disturbed by our appearance

EQUIUS: D —> Humans who have seen us undisguised have not been very

EQUIUS: D —> A%epting

KANAYA: To Say The Least

ERIDAN: wwhatever

ERIDAN: i dont care if she doesnt remember anythin

ERIDAN: she played the stupid game before so shes just goin to havve to deal wwith it

NEPETA: :33 < purrhaps we could try something a little more special?

ERIDAN: oh no you dont wwe havve been through this

EQUIUS: D —> I must agree with Ampora for once

EQUIUS: D —> It is an absol00tely ludi% idea

NEPETA: :33 < aww! but i thought my grand anime plan would be purrfect!

NEPETA: :33 < it will catch her attention and prove without a doubt that we are her fellow warriors!

NEPETA: :33 < and not just crazy humans with costumes

KANAYA: Nepeta I Would Think That Showing Her Our Fighting Capabilities On What Amounts To Her Lawn Ring Would Not Inspire A Positive Reaction

NEPETA: :33 < well do you have a better plan??

KANAYA: Um

ERIDAN: come on lets just ring the doorbell an be done wwith it

EQUIUS: D —> We cannot come to her doorstep and introduce ourselves all at once

EQUIUS: D —> We must send a representative to assure her we have no intention to harm her or her lusus

EQUIUS: D —> I believe this would be the least overwhelming method

NEPETA: :33 < oh i like this plan a lot!

KANAYA: Yes That Is A Great Plan Equius

ERIDAN: wwell fine

ERIDAN: im goin then

EQUIUS: D —> Ampora, with all due respect

EQUIUS: D —> I do not think it would be a good idea for you to represent us

ERIDAN: wwhat wwhy the hell not

EQUIUS: D —> That is e%actly why

KANAYA: Yes Eridan I Am Sorry But Your Rather Direct Approach Would Not Work Well With Rose

KANAYA: Remember Last Time You Talked She Destroyed Your Computer Station

KANAYA: I Believe I Should Be The One To Represent Us All

ERIDAN: oh come on youre obvviously tryin to get selected just so you can mack on her

KANAYA: False Accusations

ERIDAN: no wway

ERIDAN: i declare kan unfit cuz shes tryin to mack on the target

KANAYA: Eridan I Am Warning You

ERIDAN: please kan youvve been threatenin me wwith that for a fuckin swweep you dont expect me to believe youre goin to actually do it

KANAYA: Dont Try Me Fish Face

ERIDAN: oh so thats howw it is

EQUIUS: D —> Please, stop this at once

NEPETA: :33 > Oh no!

ROSE: I knew I heard some commotion out here.

ROSE: I’ve been expecting you, but I didn’t imagine there would be so many. I suppose it doesn’t matter, though. There are enough snacks for everyone.

ROSE: Would you like to come in?

>Eridan: Ask if Rose remembers you guys and is so, ask if she remembers that Girlcrushes over here is madly in lesbians with you.

Oh man you’d love to, especially now. That would embarrass Kan so much, it’s perfect!

But then you realize it’s exactly the kind of thing that would make her act on her constant threat to auspistice between your torso and your legs. You are not very keen on that. It fuckin’ hurt last time.

You can act on the first part, though.

ERIDAN: hey so you remember us or wwhat

ROSE: Ah, I’ve been told that you may ask that. I’m afraid I must disappoint you, I can’t say I remember any of you at all. However, John, Dave and Jade all let me know that you are on your way.

ERIDAN: oh perfect so wwe made this trip across your fuckin nookhole a country for nothing

KANAYA: Eridan Will You Please Be More Courteous

KANAYA: I Assure You That Acting Like An Uncouth Idiot Will Get You Nowhere In Winning Rose Over In The Caliginous Quadrant

>Flighty Broads And Their Snarky Horseshitometer: Appear

After thoroughly embarrassing Eridan in a way Rose could not possibly understand in her current state of relative ignorance, you are now confident in your ability to activate the Flighty Broads And Their Snarky Horseshitometer. Even though Rose’s visage is close to giving you a serious case of the vapors, you cannot let her win this one. No one can beat Kanaya Maryam in a snark-off. You are simply the best there—

ROSE: You’re Kanaya, correct? I’ve been told we had many discussions in that alternate life we supposedly led.

KANAYA: Um

ROSE: Were you, by any chance, the one who asked if we could be friends on my thirteenth birthday?

KANAYA: That

KANAYA: That Was Me Yes

ROSE: I thought so. I reread that log while I was waiting for you. I actually rather enjoyed that conversation, in retrospect. You were definitely the most eloquent of those who trolled me. I can see why I continued our correspondence.

KANAYA: I

KANAYA: Thank You

ROSE: I think it’s time we went inside. Equius, Nepeta and… Eridan, was it? Please, come with me. And Nepeta, you may take Jaspers with you.

NEPETA: :33 > yay!!!

>Kanaya: Consider pestering your moirail.

Yes yes in a bit. You suppose you do have to report to him, having met up with Rose and all. You are kind of occupied admiring your ladycrush. But you’re sure he can wait a few minutes.

>Be Kanaya’s moirail.

> Karkat: Regain Consciousness

You cannot be Karkat because he is UNCONSCIOUS. This is a side effect of getting HIT BY A CAR and hitting your head on the asphalt.

Karkat cannot think much in his current state, but he would approve of his best friend’s notion that the asshole who ran him over should DIE IN A MILLION FIRES.

—twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 13:24 —

TA: KN where are y0u?

GA: Hello Sollux

GA: I Was Just About To Contact Karkat

GA: My Party Has Arrived At Roses Residence And I Must Say She Is Truly A Gracious Host

TA: hey y0u kn0w what, n0 0ffen2e

TA: but i d0nt really give a 2hit right n0w.

GA: I Am Going To Assume That Your Excess Amount Of Hostility Means Something Is Wrong

TA: yeah pretty much.

TA: KK i2 2eri0u2ly fucked.

TA: we were 2tanding 0n the 2ide 0f the r0ad checking a me22age fr0m TZ when 20me a22h0le in a 2cuttlebuggy ran him 0ver.

GA: Oh

GA: That Is Indeed Very Wrong

TA: fuck i kn0w.

TA: i mean wh0 the hell fall2 a2leep while driving?

TA: and t0 t0p thi2 ab20lute 2hitcake the d0uchebag freaked the fuck 0ut and dr0ve away.

TA: fucking grubfi2ting a22waffle.

TA: AA i2 trying t0 a22e22 the damage but i d0nt kn0w h0w much we can d0 for him.

GA: You Havent Moved Him I Hope

TA: n0 we remember the wh0le fir2t aid thing.

TA: AA alway2 ha2 a kit in her 2ylladex, like KK 0rdered bef0re we 2plit.

GA: I Hope His Injuries Are Not Too Major

TA: 2he 2ay2 2he d0e2nt think there are any br0ken b0nes, but he2 0ut c0ld and bleeding.

GA: If You Have Ruled Out Fractured Limbs I Suggest You Arrange For A Makeshift Medical Carrier Device And Carefully Remove Him From The Road

GA: Then You Could Attend To His Injuries More Efficiently

TA: i think i can arrange 20mething, im the 0ne wh0 captchal0gued the blanket2 thi2 m0rning.

TA: 0h 2hit

GA: What Is It

TA: 20rry i gotta run

TA: 20me0ne2 c0ming

—twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] —

> Gamzee: Realize you forgot to get Faygo.

Ohohohoho no. No, this attempt to make you freak out is not going to work. You NEVER forget to get Faygo. EVER. Your sylladex is full of nothing BUT Faygo. Tavros captchalogued two 3-liter bottles of the stuff just in case you run out. The last time you ran out of something, you ended up killing people. You can’t allow yourself to run out ever again. Okay, so the sopor rotted your brain, that was a really bad addiction… but all Faygo does is rot your teeth, and you’re very careful with those.

The downside is that all the sugar in your blood is currently preventing you from getting some well-needed sleep, like the one your travel partners have succumbed to. You hope to conk out due to sheer exhaustion. Being awake for 24 hours is hard.

> John and Vriska: Have a Nic Cage movie night!

Well, that’s kind of impossible! For one thing, it’s only lunchtime. And secondly, if one of you is passed out on a bed, watching movies together is not really a thing that can happen. Vriska has been up for over 24 hours before she knocked on the door of the Egberts’ home. You really can’t blame the poor girl for falling asleep. She was polite enough to ask if she could take a nap and everything.

Oh, seems like Mr. Egbert is going to be late for lunch. Time for a sandwich, then!

> Dave and Terezi: Also eat a sandwich.

There is never a wrong time for a sandwich.

TEREZI: TH1S 1S SO GOOD!

TEREZI: 1 H4V3NT H4D 4 S4NDW1CH L1K3 TH1S 1N MONTHS

DAVE: glad youre enjoying the strider ham n swiss special

DAVE: always ready to be served at casa de strider

DAVE: do you really need all that ketchup on that thing though

DAVE: its like a fucking ketchup volcano unloaded all over your plate

TEREZI: W3 H4V3 B33N THROUGH TH1S D4V3

TEREZI: R3D 1S TH3 MOST D3L1C1OUS COLOR >:]

DAVE: oh sweet so you have that weirdass condition where you smell numbers and taste colors

DAVE: is that a cool alien troll power

TEREZI: NOT R34LLY!

TEREZI: OBV1OUSLY 1T 1S 4 V3RY COOL SP3C14L POW3R

TEREZI: BUT 4S TROLLS GO 1TS PR3TTY MUCH 4N 4B1L1TY UN1QU3 TO M3

TEREZI: 1 H4D MY CUSTOD14N T34CH M3 WH3N 1 B3C4M3 BL1ND SO 1 COULD H4V3 4 W4Y TO S3NS3 TH3 WORLD 4ND G3T 4ROUND 1ND3P3ND3NTLY

DAVE: oh man

DAVE: didnt even realize youre blind

DAVE: that explains the shades i guess

TEREZI: 4CTU4LLY

TEREZI: 1M NOT BL1ND 4NYMOR3

TEREZI: 1 H4V3NT B33N S1NC3 1 4RR1V3D ON YOUR PL4N3T TWO Y34RS 4GO